Dealing With Mental Illness

Coming clean . . .

Many of you know that 8 years ago I stepped down from parish ministry after being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, clinical depression and anxiety disorder.  This list of maladies led to two different suicide attempts, the irreparable damage to relationships and to the loss of my credibility as a minister of God.

After coming forward, most around me were unaware of the true nature of the illness.  I got both the medical and therapeutic care I needed.  Many people felt bad because the United Methodist Church was unwilling to see mental illness as an illness like any other.

But the truth is, leaving parish ministry behind was the only healing path and of course, the hardest to take.  It meant walking away from the work I loved so much.

Mental illnesses are illnesses like any other.  They are not character defects, personality weakness or a lack of people's ability to keep their shit together

Mental illnesses are diseases that effect the physiology of our body just like cancer or heart disease, only the cause lies in the complexities of the human brain - its electrical impulses, chemical reactions and complex relationship to behavior and personality.

In the ancient church, persons with such diseases were called demon possessed.  In early medicine, they were thought to be criminals and miscreants.  Shock treatments, lobodomies and abandonment became the norm.

Well, after getting the drug therapy and talk therapy I needed, I was able to function in most ways as long as I carefully managed the situations.

The medications, however, came with crushing side effects, zombie-like feeling, sleeplessness, weight gain, lethargy and listlessness.  To me, it was a worthy trade off because it allowed me to be the best husband and father I could be. With the weight gain, I ballooned to 318 pounds, complete with diabetes, heart disease and sleep apnea.  I decided to have weight loss surgery so the diabetes and heart disease could do no further damage.

After having the surgery 19 months ago, I lost 160  pounds and completely resolved my diabetes and high blood pressure.  I was ready to rock.  Back to ministry I thought.  I thought wrong.

After going home from the hospital the combination of pain meds, new stomach meds and post surgical limitations, I started having neurological symptoms.

Blackouts, falls, memory loss and a favoring of my left side put me back into the neurology unit.  After several tests they found nothing wrong and sent me home with the diagnosis of low blood pressure and fainting spells. After that stay in the neurology unit, I had to come clean.  I was repressing memories too painful to confront, I was hearing voices that told me I would be forever discouraged and I saw shadowy figures out of the corner of my eyes and following me in crowds.

I had another psychotic break and the whole neurology department missed it.

Right now I am quite ill.  I look o.k. on the outside and can even go to my kids' games and events and hold it together.

I see things no one would ever want to see.  I hear things no one would ever want to hear.  I feel things no one would ever want to feel.

Although others have suffered, everybody's disease is different with its own complications and complexities. 

I am now on much higher doses of old meds and new meds as well.  I don't like the side effects at all.  I feel jittery, cold, numb, slow, nauseated, and fatigued and am having difficulty sleeping, which makes the other stuff harder.

You may not be seeing or hearing much from me in the near future.  I have healing work and other things which to focus on.

But know this . . . this is real.  It is not in my head, it's in my brain, and the truth is, it's who I am.  Things will change for the better but it takes time for new meds to take their course.

So if you don't see me much, pray for me.  If you do, don't feel you have to stay away... for I am always the same Randy.  I'm just Randy with a disease.