Alone With A Scizophrenic?

There is a famous British Rock Album by David Bowie contemporary Ian Hunter, who also wrote the classic"All The Young Dudes" entitled "You're Never Alone With A Schizophrenic."  This bespeaks one of the most ignorant stigmas that those who suffer with Scizophrenia face:  How many personalities do you have?  We all remember Sally Fields as Cybil the woman with multiple personalities in the film of the same name.

But the idea of people with Schizophrenia having multiple personalities is more mythology than science.  We are not two faced.  We are not pretending to be someone from another time.  And we are certainly not demon possessed.  More on that later.

The most well known of the symptoms of schizophrenia are auditory and visual hallucinations.  The fact that most of us are psychotic doesn't mean we are like Charles Manson who has been declared sane time after time in his appeals to get out of prison.  Psychotic simply means that for a period of time we have lost contact with reality.  We hear and see things that are not there and we have an impaired insight into what is going on around us. 

In my case, I hear voices that try to give me discouraging thoughts about myself.  I hear voices that tell me God doesn't love me and no one else should.  It is mainly self negation.  It is mainly a call to devalue myself in my own eyes.

The problem is that most schizoophrenics are also paranoid.  They believe the self- negation and most importantly, they think other people feel the same way.  Paranoia is a disorder that all of us have to one degree or another.  "Is that police car following me"  or "is that guy ogling the clothes I'm wearing?"  Most paranoia is completely irrational and without any basis is fact.  People with intense paranoia are sure that people are paying undue attention to them.

Paranoid Schizophrenics always believe there are conspiracies at work against them.  They believe they are being set apart for persecution, that others are making false accusastions against them.  They feel followed, hounded and under constant scrutiny.

Along with Paranoia, Schizophrenics also often have disorganized speech and thinking.  They can't focus, keep thoughts in order, and often sound as if they are speaking in ways that are mixed up and don't make sense to the conversation others are having.

In my case, I'm Scizo affective, so my schizophrenia is cojoined with my bi-polar depression.  Sometimes I am way down low.  I can't manage the energy to get out of bed or get off the couch, while other times I feel like going a million miles an hour.  I bounce between two poles: depressive and manic.  No, I do not rapid cycle like many.  My periods of mania are few and far between and I spend most of my time in deep depression, self-negation, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness.  That is my number one symptom above any of the others, that may come and go during times.

These episodes are triggered by events in our lives.  I go to talk therapy to try and learn my triggers and alter my life so.  For me it was the loss of ministry and the desire to become active in congregational life again.  I can go to church and worship with no problem, but as soon as I try to go beyond that, symptoms always seem to appear.  I know I will never pastor again and I'm O.K. with that.

Right now, my goal is to be husband to my wife, father to my children and the most faithful and loyal friend I can be.  That's it.  That is my life.  I could probably find some employment where I would not have to have any interpersonal contact with others, but good luck finding that.  My job is to follow my doctor's treatment plan and stay symptom free for as long as possible.

Whether I pastor or not, I still believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, my salvation and the promises and teachings of God's Word.  I walk 12 miles daily where I listen to books and praise and worship music, and try to be there whenever Anne and the boys need me.  Schizophrenia is a real illness, but it is not a death sentence....not for me at least...I know my healings will continue to come from the Lord.

My next sharing will be aabout anxiety disorder and how debilitating it and its fears and phobias can be.